Europe simulates total cyber war
WEB 0.1, Cyberspice, Saturday (NTN) — The European Union has run a simulated “cyber attack,” in which simulated outsourcing companies strike mortal blows upon national budgets for consulting fees for...
View ArticleVirgin Media to sell 1.5 gigabit Internet to complete cocks
TELLYHOUSE, Cable and Witless, Wednesday (NTN) — Virgin Media will shortly trial 1.5Gbps cable Internet, but only to festering dot-com media cocks who live actually around Shoreditch itself. “As the...
View ArticleMind-buggeringly useless expensive gadget delayed
HAMMERSMITH ODEOUS, Android Market, Friday (NTN) — The £500 LG Optimus 3D, the world’s first 3D smartphone, has been delayed until June, possibly due to 3D on a phone being stupendously pointless...
View ArticleUbuntu Vista 11.04 defies expectations
THAWTELESS, Star City, Monday (NNGadget) — Canonical, Inc. has announced the release of Ubuntu 11.04, “Venereal Vista,” based on the Unity Vista desktop, which only 5 out of 11 first-time users managed...
View ArticleMicrosoft Office 365 sees you’re trying to write a letter
SCHESTOWITZ, Newham, Tuesday (NTN) — Office 365, Microsoft’s pay-as-you-go answer to Google Docs, delivers the same delight you’re used to from Office on your PC, only slower and clunkier and only...
View ArticleSony: It was Anonymous, honest guv
GUTEN TAG, Wii Gehts, Wednesday (NTN) — Sony has revealed that the Playstation Network security breach, which compromised 24.6 million credit cards, was entirely the work of evil hackers from...
View ArticleGoogle, Facebook: “Do Not Track” laws mean terrorists win
CASHIER’S DESK, California Senate, Saturday (NTN) — The associations listed on this letter are writing to strongly oppose California Senate Bill 761. It would create an unnecessary, unenforceable and...
View ArticleSuper-injunctions “your best publicity value”
WEB 0.1, Cyberspice, Monday (NTN) — Several tedious Z-list celebrities have demanded Twitter user @injunctionsuper post details of their tawdry and squalid lives too. [REDACTED] tweeted: “Rumur that I...
View ArticleSkype relaunched as Windows Bing Voice™
BOLGIAS 8 AND 9, Seattle, Tuesday (NTN) — Microsoft remains on the bleeding edge of innovation with its completely new-from-the-ground-up Windows Bing Voice™ Internet phone platform, formerly known as...
View Article35 percent admit to bedroom mobile “apping”
HOT HOT HOT, Forever Alone, Thursday (NTN) — 35% of US smartphone users admit to using apps before even getting out of bed. Doctors advise the other 65% that it is “entirely natural” and “nothing to be...
View ArticleMicrosoft opens crowdsourced legal site “CrockLaw”
O’GARA UFO FIELD, Armonk, Monday (NTN) — With the final humiliation of the SCO Group and the retirement of Pamela Jones from Groklaw, Microsoft has stepped in with sponsorship to fill “a much-needed...
View ArticleRIM makes BlackBerry that can’t read email
CATHEDRAL AND BIZARRE, Waterloo, Monday (NTN) — Research in Motion have broken new barriers with the PlayBook tablet, a BlackBerry that can’t read email. And needs to be tethered to a phone. “We feel a...
View ArticleReligions stimulate “Apple-like” reactions in brain
ONE INFINITE LOOP, Purgatory, Wednesday (NTN) — Neuroscientists have found that religious fervour lights up the same parts of the brain as waiting in line for your devotions at the Apple Store. The...
View ArticleUK plans cyber-weapons programme
HEY HEY 16K, R: Tape Loading Error, Thursday (NTK) — GCHQ has begun work on a range of uniquely British cyber-weapons to add to Britain’s defensive capability. “Cyber-Space,” said General Jonathan...
View ArticleActual jail time for being blithering idiot on Internet
CYBERPRION, Arsebook, September (times.co.uk) — The much-maligned British justice system was lauded the world over today as someone was actually jailed for being a drooling lackwit on the Internet....
View ArticleBitcoin to revolutionise the economy
Bitcoin is a decentralised computer currency designed by self-righteous Ayn Rand-reading nerds who despise looters and parasites like, er, you. It is used to purchase Internet services, illegal drugs...
View ArticleAuthorities definitely closing in on LulzSec
DRAMATICA, Wackyleeks, Wednesday (textfiles.com) — The noose is tightening on LulzSec, oh yes it is, with a red-handed capture nearly almost imminent, said FBI Media Liaison today, and don’t you worry...
View ArticleBing Minus to “cut off Facebook’s air supply”
YESLER WAY, Seattle, Saturday (MSBBC) — Microsoft today stealth-released its new social network, Bing Minus, automatically adding every person in the world still using Internet Explorer, such as your...
View ArticleGoogle opens first retail store
COURT ROAD, Tottenham, Friday (NTN) — Internet advertising agency Google is opening its first retail store, selling the Internet-only Chromebook. “We’ve put a lot of effort into making it feel...
View ArticleSpring clean: Google Search now part of Google Plus
MONOLITH VIEW, Silicone Valley, Thursday (NTN) — We’re in a new world of computing. You need “personal”, “social” and “on the go”. So “search” will “join the social” on Google Plus. We know Search has...
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